特朗普二次弹劾案宣告无罪！SNL神演绎弹劾戏码：共和党人这次很开心…（附视频&解说稿）

当地时间2月13日，美国参议院就针对前总统特朗普的弹劾案进行表决，最终投票结果是57票有罪，43票无罪，少于定罪所需的67票。弹劾条款未获通过，特朗普被判无罪。

一年前，打赢第一次弹劾案后，特朗普第一时间转发了一段带有《时代》杂志封面的短视频，暗示他自己会在2024年、2028年及以后再度竞选美国总统。

在众议院弹劾特朗普整整一个月后，投票反对特朗普的共和党参议员人数超过了特朗普法律团队的预期，这与去年的第一次弹劾审判截然不同，当时只有一名共和党参议员、犹他州的米特·罗姆尼认定特朗普有罪。

这一次，共和党参议员北卡罗来纳州的理查德·伯尔、路易斯安那州的比尔·卡西迪、缅因州的苏珊·科林斯、阿拉斯加州的丽莎·穆尔科克斯、内布拉斯加州的本·萨斯、宾夕法尼亚州的帕特·图梅和罗姆尼投票给特朗普定罪。

擅长神模仿和演绎美国各界名人的SNL最新一期演绎了特朗普第二场弹劾案的关键发言和时刻，各位替身演员简直太像了，把共和党人的开心表现得“淋漓尽致”。

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-Welcome to "Tucker Carlson Tonight." I'm your host and human white claw, Tucker Carlson.

-The "Saturday Night Live" cold open on February 13th imagined an episode of "Tucker Carlson Tonight" just hours after the Senate acquitted Trump for a second time. The Fox News host, played by cast member Alex Moffat, first interviewed Senator Lindsey Graham, played by Kate McKinnon. Graham praised Trump.

-I just don't understand why everyone still insists on taking Donald Trump down. He is smart. He is nice. He's in shape. Everybody's saying he attempted a coup. He didn't attempt a coup. He is "cool."

-Soon, Aidy Bryant joined Graham as fellow Republican Senator Ted Cruz.

-Like any impartial juror, we took it upon ourselves to meet with the defense lawyers, to give them some very simple legal advice- "stop" and "don't."

-While on the topic of Trump's defense team, Carlson looked back at scenes from the trial. Trump attorney Bruce Castor was played by "SNL's" Mikey Day.

-As you all know, I'm the lead prosecutor. Nope! Sorry. I'm the counsel. I know the difference. But as Trump's bailiff. No, not right, either. Bridesmaid? No, sorry. I need a second.

-Castor left many people scratching their heads after his rambling at the trial's open.

-I was struck. I thought that the House managers who spoke earlier were brilliant speakers. And I made some notes, and they'll hear about what I think about some of the things they said later, when I'm closing the case. But I thought they were brilliant speakers, and I loved listening to them.

-Pete Davidson played Trump lawyer Michael van der Veen.

-Now the House wants to bring up witnesses over Zoom? ! Zoom? !

-We didn't do this hearing by Zoom!

-van der Veen triggered laughter on the Senate floor for his pronunciation of Philadelphia. These depositions should be done in person, in my office, in "Phillydelphia." That's where they should be done. 

-Carlson's final guest was Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, played by "SNL's" Beck Bennett.

-You cannot impeach a former president. That's why we should have impeached him before, back when I said we couldn't.

-Remember, McConnell blocked Trump's second impeachment trial from starting earlier. McConnell ended his interview by sharing what he really thinks of Trump.

-I think he's guilty as hell and the worst person I ever met, and I hope every city, county, and state locks his [bleep] up. Oh, God, that felt good!

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>>good evening. i'm tucker carlson, tonight i'm your host and human white claw, tucker carlson. the "star wars" lady being canceled just for holding the conservative belief that ewoks are jewish. why? they are. but first, there's a lot to cover tonight including the impeachment. so in place of my usual monologue, here's a loose collection of scare mongering non sequiturs. is aoc hiding in your house right now? i wouldn't put it past her. pronouns for dogs? come on. everybody knows they're boys. pixar. is it making our kids depressed or gay? pick one. the impeachment has reached its foregone conclusion with the acquittal of donald j. trump. tonight's first guest as power player in those hearings. please welcome 65-year-old teacher's pet, senator lindsey graham.

>> thank you, thank you, tucker. it's a great day for 30% of america. and tonight we party!

>> wow. well, lindsey, you're obviously very happy about the verdict.

>> look, tucker. this -- this "trial" was offensive and absurd. like a frickin' episode of "rick and mortie," excuse my foul language. but we all agree the attack on the capitol was a horrible thing. just because the rioters were yelling fight for trump doesn't mean they meant donald trump. could have been some real tiffany heads. maybe even some eric stems. i don't know. but regardless, the trial is over, and now we can move past this and focus on the serious issues, that's locking up hillary and freeing beautiful britney spears.

>> yeah. that's a great point, lindsey, it really makes me contort my face like i'm thinking.

>> i just don't understand why everyone still insists on taking donald trump down. he is smart. he is nice. he's in shape. last fall he died of covid, and didn't even tell nobody. and now everybody's saying he attempted a coup. he didn't attempt a coup. he is cool. he's the coolest guy i know.

>> yeah, maybe the coolest guy ever?

>> look. the important thing is the good guys won again. and we couldn't have done it without this bastard. get in here, ted cruz.

>> wow. senator cruz. welcome to the show.

>> well, thanks, tucker. what does -- wait, what does it say below me? oh, yeah. that's what trump said about my wife. yeah. i think she's beautiful. but since trump is the boss, sorry, honey, ya busted.

>> just in time for valentine's day. wow. and can i say, the beard is working.

>> well, you'd be the first.

>> now, mr. trump's defense team got off to a pretty rough start earlier in the week. can you tell me how you pulled this out? while you talk, i'm going to have a look on my face like a baby seeing his first balloon.

>> thanks for the question, tucker. like any impartial juror, we took it upon ourselves to meet with the defense lawyers, to give them some very simple legal advice. stop, and don't.

>> overall, ted and i are extremely proud of trump's lawyers, who are both partners at the law firm of salino and yaks.

>> damn right. thanks, tucker.

>> thanks, gentlemen. on the subject of the trump defense team, let's take a look at some of their arguments from early.

>> hello, senate and other serious people. i want to apologize for being unprepared last time i was out here. wife bought decaf. but i promise i'll make it up to you now. as you all know, i am the lead prosecutor -- nope, sorry, i am the counsel. i know the difference. but as trump's bailiff -- nope, not right either. bridesmaid -- nope, sorry, i need a second, ha. let's hear it for the prosecution! wowzer, am i right? y'all ruled it, crushed it. well, that's my time!

>> all right, i'll take from it here. my name is mr. van der veen. that's dutch for "man of the penis." so i've heard it all. all right? first off, let me say that i do not want to be here. i am not like you. okay? i'm not from washington. i'm a philly boy, and i've said that over and over. and this is the worst thing that's been in this senate chamber in the history of a couple of weeks. jiminy crickets! and now the house wants to bring up witnesses over zoom? zoom? i can't afford to zoom. you think i'm getting paid for this? and this was supposed to be my last day. i already bought a nonrefundable train ticket back to philly-vania, pennsyl-delphia. but if they insist on witnesses, i'm going to call some of my own. like vice president kahlua harris. anja presley. olan  omaha. did i miss high pronounce the names of these women of color on purpose or out of ignorance? you'll never know. if you think donald trump saying the word "fight" is a crime, take a look at this tape.

>> we will fight, fight, fight.

>> fight.

>> fight.

>> fight.

>> fight. fight.

>> fight.

>> fight, fight, fight.

>> fight club.

>> fight.

>> gungans no dying without a fight.

>> well said, jar-jar. me-sa rest my case.

>> we go to the final witness of the night, senate majority leader michael cohen.

>> hello, tucker.

>> now, senator mcconnell, why did you vote to acquit donald trump?

>> because everyone knows you cannot impeach a former president. that's why we should have impeached him before, back when i said we couldn't.

>> that logic pretzels out. but what do you really think of trump?

>> i think he's guilty as hell. and the worst person i ever met. and i hope every city, county, and state locks his ass up. oh! god, that felt good! i've been holding that inside my neck for four years! i got cracker crumbs in here.

>> wow. so what's next?

>> i don't know about my colleagues, but i plan to reach my hand across the aisle. and then yank it back and slide it across my hair and say, "too slow." ha ha!

>> that's beautiful. thanks for coming, senator. we will be right back after this ad for senior emergency buttons. but first, live from new york, it's "saturday night!"

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